Suicide has been in the headlines recently as two famous people with names that many recognize, took their own lives.  My brother Bill also committed suicide 14 years ago. So this is an opportune time to talk about this subject and death in general. I also had to include love because it is very much a part of it.

Bill was 46 years old at the time and it was devastating to our family.  It was a really difficult time. My mom was and is still alive.  That was probably the hardest part for me …. to find the words to explain to my mother that her son had taken his own life. I imagine that it is like this in all families, that there is not really anything unique in my situation.

We had no warning whatsoever. There was nothing that we saw that gave us any indication that we should be paying attention to a possible suicide. Of course afterward, you always do the playback and say to yourself I could have done that, I should have done that, and what about this particular thing? There was a ton of speculation, reviewing what had happened and thinking about what could have been done differently, at least by me. What could have I changed? If only I had said this or done that.

This was long before I knew about energy and understood that there were things that could be moved, shifted and changed from an energetic perspective. At the time, I was just doing the very normal thing of thinking about what we could have changed in our OWN behavior that would have made a difference.

The thing that always stands out for me, in any death, is the thinking, If I could just go back 24 hours I would ___ ( fill in the blank).  And then when it becomes a week after the person has passed, it’s If I could only go back a week and a day and change this particular thing. As I said, I think this is absolutely normal.

I remember exactly where I was (sitting on the edge of my pool) when a very wise friend of mine said quietly to me. “It happened exactly as it was meant to.”

My ears perked up and it felt very clear to me that this was absolutely true but my brain was busy fighting it. My brain just couldn’t make sense of that. My friend then went on to explain that there were no accidents, there were no mistakes, there were no slip-ups. He was just doing what was next.

When I think back on this snippet of information, it was revolutionary to me. It was a total shift in my thinking that everything happened exactly as it was meant to. This resonated deeply within me so I spent a lot of time trying to understand why it makes sense.

While I did spend a lot of time looking at that, my kids were 7 and 12 at the time so I was busy with them. It wasn’t like I went into constant mediation mode. I just often pondered the question How did everything happen exactly as it is supposed to? I thought to myself, What am I supposed to get from that?

I let the process work its magic and it absolutely did! Within two weeks of that conversation, I remember I had a complete shift of thinking.  I was absolutely sad and I absolutely missed my brother under the sun. I would have done anything to change the situation but I suddenly had this new awareness. It was a new definition for what had happened. It was definitely a tragedy but there was also something there for me to experience. There was something there for me to learn. There was something there for me to take away.

Now I look at it and I call it a huge teaching for me.  It’s also an opportunity for me to talk to you about suicide, what it looks like from an energy point of view and how we can come to some resolution for ourselves.

Of course, everyone in my family had a distinct perspective and took something different away from the experience. My older brother was someone who said that he put his emotions in a box, put the lid on the box and put that box on the shelf.  I have no judgment about whether or not that was the right thing to do. It was certainly what he did so it must have been right for him.

My mom struggled for a long period of time thinking about what she did wrong and what she could have done differently.  It was just a couple of years ago that she said my brother Bill was condemned to hell because he had committed suicide. That is another whole side to this whole conversation. I call it the spiritual and religious programming that says if you take your own life, there is a punishment waiting for you. I am clear that there is no punishment. Source, Creator God does not ever show up as punishing us in any way. We actually do it well enough on our own to not need it to be done for us. Regardless, there is no punishment waiting for us on the other side.

Suicide, as in other kinds of death, is just another way to transition from this physical experience that we are having into the nonphysical realm. There is no judgment from the other side about how we make that transition. 

Suicide as in regular death such as dying from old age, from a car accident, from a murder or anything else is always a choice that our soul has made. 

I get it that I can push some buttons sometimes and this is definitely one of those places. I usually say that you have to kind of put your head on backward to understand some of these things. The idea that anyone would choose to exit the planet or choose to transition into the nonphysical in a very violent or gruesome way or by suicide is just beyond our thinking sometimes. It’s just hard for us to imagine that anyone would agree to do that.


When we take a step back we should remember that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience. From a spiritual perspective, there is no judgment. There is nothing to be said about how we choose anything. There is nothing to be said about choosing to live a life of crime, choosing to live a life of joy, choosing to live a life of sadness.

There is no judgment from Source about any of the choices that any single person makes on the planet, including death.

All of that stuff comes into us from society.  When I took a look at this energetically it was really interesting to me. It’s almost as if when a baby is born they are given a book that says here are the rules and regulation that you are going to be following.  There is a chapter on the rules and regulations for being human. There is a chapter on the rules and regulations for whatever country you are born into. A chapter for what family you are born into and a chapter for what religion you are born into. It’s like an energetic book that gives us the story that we are going to work from.

A lot of us, certainly not all of us, but a lot of us take on this story of what death looks like. Then when somebody dies there is this value system that we are going to work from and how we are going to look at it. If you are fortunate enough to die in your sleep in old age, you get 10 points. If you are someone who dies in some other way you get a different amount of points. It is almost like a ranking system. If one way of leaving the planet is better than the other it gets more points. This is the way it’s being shown to me but the truth of the matter is that its all beautiful. It’s all exactly as its supposed to be. We just come into this lifetime with the intention of having another experience.

Past Lives

I always laugh when I start looking at my past lives. I’ve had past lives where I have been beheaded. I have died in my sleep I have been burned at the stake. I have been drawn and quartered. I have been poisoned. There are probably not too many ways that I have not died in a previous life and it is the exact same for all of us.

Every experience is about us tackling something that we want to move through and resolve. If you find yourself particularly triggered by something you hear, you can have your Akashic Records read if you are curious enough to learn why. If you know how to read your own Akashic Records you can go in and ask to be shown a lifetime where that happened to you. My personal suggestion is if you are going to do this, that you ask for the events that led up to whatever the situation was. Ask what period of time it was. If it interests you ask for all of the details around it.

I have had several lifetimes where I have drowned and it took me a long while to be willing to see the process afterward. I have this thing where I am a tad bit hard-headed. I think I’ve gotten better but in order to learn about it, I have asked for information about the lifetimes where I was hard-headed to the point of my death. It turns out, I have had several lifetimes where I was told not to go into the water, where I knew the water was way too strong for me.  One of them I drowned. Another one I hit my head. A third one I took a boat out and while out on the water I got stranded and drowned. So this is a perfect example of how all of us can take a look at how some of the deaths that we have had, are ways for us to heal. They are ways for us to handle what is outstanding in our past lives, what our karma is and what is there for us to resolve.

Looking at these lifetimes where I was hard-headed allowed me to see where I can be that way in this lifetime. I would argue that I have shifted a lot of that. I don’t have nearly the amount of hard-headedness as I used to. I am more willing to get details and information from other people and then check in with my own information as opposed to just taking that stand where I am putting my hands are on my hips and just saying no, I am not budging, there is no way I am going to move.


If when you heard about Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain you just went into fear, there is something there for you to take a look at.

It could be that you had a past life where you committed suicide. (I have one of those too).  It could be triggering pain and pictures in your head that are saying … that it could happen to you again. It could be that when you heard about those deaths you went into fear for someone else. It could be that you experienced a very close relationship that ended that way and that you felt very abandoned, you felt alone, you didn’t get your final say. It could be that when you heard about these suicides that your heart hears it and says What if this happened to me? What if somebody does this to me? Or maybe you just had a sympathy connection with the family members. All of this is available for you to take a look at.

This is just one of the pieces that I love about accessing your own information ..… 

Whatever happens, out there, reflects something that is going on inside of me. If I don’t notice something that is happening out there, then it’s not going on inside for me.

We are not only talking about death and suicide, we are also talking about the healing that is there for us. We are also talking about karma, being able to step into more wisdom and increasing our understanding. All of that is obtainable by getting more access to our own information.


Recently Kay, a dear friend of my son’s passed away. She was a grandmother figure and mentor to him. The two of them were working on a book together and my son Matthew is in the process of putting together a poetry book and writing her memoir. As a result, their relationship was extremely close even though he is 23 and she was in her high 80s or early 90’s. When I was on the phone with Matthew, listening to him grieve, I was also able to connect with Kay’s soul.  I was given the beautiful gift of being able to see the immense gratitude that she had for their relationship. Her own grandchildren did not live nearby and they were not close. 

This was an opportunity for me to experience a death in a very different way. Being able to connect with someone else after they have passed is fairly new to me. It was absolutely beautiful that the love that she had for him, clearly went on.

From my perspective, I’ve always felt yeah, yeah you talk about love going on but I haven’t really been in a space where I knew it to be true. However, I was very fortunate because by connecting with Kay I was able to SEE it and FEEL it and KNOW that love does go on and on. Love is always there. Love is something that does not change. There is no difference between being in a physical body or being in the nonphysical. Love is the only answer and it ALL comes back to that.

When we can sort through all of the stories, the things we need to heal and resolve those things, we can then step into more of the awareness that there is only love.

Everything is the frequency of love. Everything comes from love. Love is the very center of everything and radiates out. Our own thoughts are what gets in the way of us being able to see this. Some of these thoughts could be:

  • the unconscious pictures we see around how we have died in the past
  • the pictures around what certain people say or do, 
  • the pictures of what we are told OR
  • what we feel, particularly anger or fear.

If we can eliminate the thoughts that we are not enough, that there is something to be angry about, that there is something to be fearful of ….. then we can truly step into love.

We are divine love. Love is all that there is. It is not bought. It is not earned and it is never taken. It is ever-present. It does not matter if a person has passed if they are in a body or not nor how a person has passed. It is absolutely true that the love is ever-present. 

We don’t have to judge death. We don’t have to fear death. When it happens, what we can do is take a look and see what is there or us to experience, to learn and to heal. 

There are a ton of ways to connect and of course, we can do all of through Akashic Alchemy. The more we can open our hearts, the more we can connect to our higher selves and know that we constantly in the presence of love.  There is no judgment about how we live and how we pass. The less angry we can be and the more we can step into love, the more awakened we become. It’s all about understanding and knowing that love is the only truth. I’ll leave you with the message from the Akashic Records.

  ?  Keep choosing love ….. Keep choosing love …. Keep choosing love.  ?